Where's my voice?

I just looked over a few of the other AP students' blogs.  I really only looked to see how many blogs the other students had, but I ended up staying for a couple minutes to read their blog entries.  I can't help but think that my writing is lacking something that theirs so perfectly demonstrates: voice.

 It doesn't bother me too much that there are much better writers in this class than myself - I've never been exceptionally proud of my writing ability - but am periodically reminded that my writing sounds very impersonal.  I didn't pass the 5th grade writing test because I lacked voice, and I am still struggling to incorporate it into my writing.  Even this blog entry is little more than an objective analysis of the situation I am observing.  I didn't intend for it to be so mechanical; I desperately want(ed) to show that I have a voice.  I've tried adding some exclamations or questions here or there, but that doesn't fully portray what I really feel. 

My voice is obliterated by the meticulous way I construct every sentence.  Every individual thought of my writing must be perfectly correct and demonstrate exactly what I think, if not what I feel.  I cringe at the thought that someone could take a red pen and circle all of my mistakes.  (Oops.  Maybe I'm not so humble.)  This exasperating habit prevents any of my feelings from emerging in my writing, and this is exacerbated by my intentional omission of profanity.  I swear more than I care to admit around those who do the same, but I am unable to do so here.  (Studies have actually shown that people who openly use profanity tend to be more trustworthy.  That's interesting.) 

So, where's my voice!?  My voice is exactly what I've tried so hard for so long to remove from my writing for the sake of eloquence and clarity.  Maybe Some stream-of-consciousness writing would help me find my voice.  Maybe I just have to get angry - I'm sure as hell angry now, and it's doing wonders.  Maybe My voice is hidden in passion - anger is the most easily available passion that I can think of.  Maybe I should stop being so damn worried about what other people might think of what I have to say and say what needs to be said.  I won't say what others need me to say, I'll say what I want to say.  If my painstaking sculpting of each word and phrase results in such hollow, forgettable passages, I should try to be more brazen and audacious.  Maybe If I just get over myself, my voice will ring through like a klaxon.

Semester-End Reflection

The first semester is going to be over in less than a week, and I can't say that I'll miss it when it has passed.  This has easily been the most unpleasant semester that I've had in high school.  I haven't had trouble with the type of work that I've been dealing with, but I've worked through the semester with such bizarre pacing that I couldn't wrap my head around it at times.  I've had to deal with online school - complete with all of it's difficulties - while simultaneously balancing a packed schedule in my regular classes.  There have been far too many times where I've had to speak with my teachers and explain why I was unable to complete their [assignment], and it's demoralizing to feel so powerless over my work.  My grades haven't dropped (and as long as I can do anything to prevent them from doing so, they never will), but I have put myself through hell to keep them where I want them.

While this semester has been horrendously difficult, it has not been without its successes.  I managed to turn a 30% grade in government into a 93% in just two weeks, and I have the final out of the way.  I completed my paperwork for the National Merit program and am now waiting to hear whether I have been granted Finalist status.  I have also, in the last week, been accepted to UNLV and their Honors college.  If I qualify as a National Merit Finalist, I will also be given a full-ride scholarship to UNLV, in addition to any other scholarships I receive.  If I only look at these accomplishments, the last four months have been life-changing, but these accomplishments were not given to me; I earned them with weeks upon weeks of late nights and grueling sessions of work.

I would not be willing to trade these accomplishments for the stress I endured if I had to continue on the same haphazard road.  To that end, I plan on re-organizing myself for the coming semester and completing all of my work in the most timely and responsible manner that I can.  If I can grow up a little and stop worrying about when I'll be able to relax waste time, maybe I'll actually feel accomplished when I reach my goals.

Government Reflection

I was probably more excited about taking my government class than any other class this year (except AP English, of course).  I've always had an interest in the intricacies of our government and have endeavored to learn more about the topic.  I'd hoped that I would learn exactly what I wanted to learn when I took government, but the class hasn't exactly cleared everything up.  Granted, this is only a reflection on the first semester of the class but I feel it is still valid.

The largest issue that I have with this class is that it is unable to explain the more intricate aspects of how our government functions.  I'd love to know exactly how legislature is written, revised and submitted, and where to look for current copies of these documents.  I'd love to research some of the current issues that our government faces.  I actually assumed that government would cover more current issues, but as a textbook-based class, it's slightly unrealistic to expect a complete, up-to-date education on government proceedings.  It is not unrealistic to expect the class to prepare students for observing and understanding what the government is actually doing on a day-to-day basis.  That is exactly what the class should accomplish; students should emerge from the class with the tools to decipher legislative jargon and interpret what politicians actually mean.  In reality, the class teaches how the government is structured and who performs what duties in the system.  In simpler terms, the class teaches the 'what' of government, while ignoring the 'how' and, most importantly, the 'why'.

I think this grievance displays one of the most fundamental issues with how public education is structured in our country: students are taught what they need to know, but they are never given the tools to intelligently analyze the topics they are shown.  'Why' is the first question that we learn as children, and we become obsessed with it.  Asking 'why' moved humanity out of the fertile crescent and into space.  The question of 'why' is completely ignored by public education.

Frankenstein: Closing Thoughts

I said in my first post about Frankenstein that the book wasn't what I had expected.  Where we might expect to find a mad scientist and his monstrous spawn, we find a decent, eccentric man who shuns his benevolent creation.  I am dumbfounded at the notion that this story inspired such weird adaptations in film and television.  While I don't understand how or why the story has changed so drastically, I fully understand and respect its capacity to receive so much attention - even more than a century later.

The presentation of the novel in multiple narrative frames works very well for Frankenstein, and it allows for a myriad of different themes to emerge.  I might even argue that each frame presents a completely self-contained universe.  I don't mean to argue that the events in each frame literally exist separately from the events in the others, since they are all obviously interconnected, but it is possible to view each frame as though it existed on it's own.  Each frame is presented from a different character's point of view, and these characters all have completely unique personalities, histories, and goals.  Any event in any character's story can be analyzed solely from their own perspective, contrasted against the events in another character's story, viewed through any other character's perspective, ad infinitum.  The structure of the novel allows for more complex analysis than even some of the greatest pieces of literature in the cannon.

While Robert Walton is somewhat unimportant from a literary standpoint, the relationship between Victor and his creation is worthy of hundreds of pages of study.  Each character's personality and motivations could be extensively analyzed, as well as how they change as they develop.  Infinitely more could be written on exactly how these characters affect each other (both directly and indirectly).  The interactions of these personalities creates a profound, moving history that could not be fully presented in Frankenstein - or in any other single piece, for that matter.

There are so many more points worthy of discussion in Frankenstein, but I could write for hours about everything I loved in this book and still find more to cover.  Suffice it to say, Frankenstein was a remarkably intricate piece of literature and I loved every word of it.  I hope others can appreciate how grand this novel truly is.

Frankenstein: Structure

Frankenstein was nothing like what I expected it to be, both in content and in structure.  I have already discussed how it broke from and exceeded my expectations, but I will now go more in-depth as to why I enjoyed the story's structure so much.  I will save my thoughts on the content of the novel for another time.

Frankenstein begins with a series of letters between Robert Walton and his sister, and this structure establishes the novel as an epistolary.  I overheard a few conversations in class about this type of writing, and it seems that many people have issues with it.  I understand that my opinion doesn't necessarily match those of others, but I honestly can't imagine why someone might have a real issue with this structure.  Some criticized the letters in the beginning of the book for their apparent lack of relevance, and some criticized them for being dull.  Any book might be criticized for beginning slowly, so this complaint isn't important.  I can give some credit to those that think the beginning is irrelevant, as that is how it appears until the closing chapters.  However, the first three or so letters in the novel give exposition relevant to the entire novel, as they establish its setting - or at least, the first narrative frame's setting.

The narrative frames also appeared to cause some trouble.  I don't think this is quite as bizarre as people make it seem; there are many instances in literature where previous events are extensively recounted and explained.  Any time a novel includes a flashback, it does exactly what Frankenstein does.  Frankenstein is memorable for this because its flashbacks are extended, multi-chapter, expository segments.  Despite their length, these flashbacks aren't quite so different from those in any other novel.  Some argue that the story-within-a-story format is a difficult thing to understand, but Frankenstein makes it very clear who is talking and what has transpired thus far at any point in the story.

I understand that Frankenstein has a slightly odd format, but it is not extremely different from things that we've read before.  It's certainly not the strangest thing that I've read.  While some people have difficulty with its format, Frankenstein is strengthened considerably by its layered construction.

Dawkin's "The Blind Watchmaker"

Recently I read The Blind Watchmaker by Richard Dawkins and did a book report on it for AP Biology.  I will include an excerpt from my report for summary and importance of the novel below.  I wanted to share my thoughts on the book at a more personal level, however. 

I discussed in my final paragraph that the book is likely to produce no small amount of anxiety in the extremely religious.  This is not due simply to the way that Dawkins presents the subject matter; it has to do with the subject matter itself.  Many claim that the theory of evolution is not necessarily an adversary of religion, and that both can be incorporated into one's worldview, but I don't think I agree with this.  The implications of the theory are fundamentally incompatible with all but the most deistic ideologies.  Any notion of an active, personally attentive god simply doesn't make sense in light of the theory.  I don't see this a problem for me, but it is an enormous problem when its effects in this country are considered.  More than 40% of the American population refuses to acknowledge evolution as the Biological fact that it is.  The establishment of evolution as a theory that can be accepted in addition to religious ideology may lower the number of people who don't accept it, but I don't feel that it is accurate to say this.  Scientific inquiry is inherently prohibited by nearly every major religion; what place is there, then, for evolution?

Richard Dawkins’ The Blind Watchmaker is a piece of persuasive non-fiction written to explain “why the evidence of evolution reveals a universe without design.”  Throughout the book, Dawkins’ explores the specific mechanisms of evolution by natural selection and argues for the theory’s ability to explain the complexity of life on Earth. 

            The book begins with a clarification of exactly what is meant by the word ‘complex’ and elaborates on why a grand scientific theory is necessary to describe life as we know it.  The following section highlights specifically how extremely well-designed animals appear in many respects, but warns that although animals appear to be intentionally designed, their complexity can be explained by small, cumulative changes.  Chapters three and four are devoted to illustrating how these cumulative changes arise theoretically and in practice, respectively.  Before further examining these changes, Dawkins emphasizes how and why the genotype, rather than the phenotype, drives evolutionary change.  Chapter six accounts for evolution’s intrinsic inability to explain the origins of life, but utilizes evolutionary principles to postulate how life might have begun.  This chapter also analyses how much luck is allowed to be assumed in the origins of life.  Constructive evolution is then addressed, both in evolutionary ‘arms-races’ and in positively-reinforcing sexual selection.  The penultimate chapters explain the differences between gradual and punctuated evolutionary change and the difficulties in objectively classifying animals.  The final chapter debunked various alternative explanations for the complexity of life including the argument of guided evolution by a creator.  The book presents the theory of evolution logically; it thoroughly addresses how evolution is able to generate complex organisms and why it is the only process capable of doing so.

            The Blind Watchmaker provides an excellent analysis of evolutionary theory and presents the theory as it is; a widely accepted fact of science.  The book does not ignore the implications that this raises for religious ideology, as many individuals – especially in America – disregard evolution.  It goes out of its way to elucidate why the theory is so widely supported and why it doesn’t require any guiding.  In fact, the book reveals evolution to be completely unguided, working with no goal in mind.  Ultimately, The Blind Watchmaker’s focus on evolution will impact only some religious individuals, but its focus on evidentiary proof and reason will expand public understanding of science immensely.

What's up with the Christmas music?

Since I can remember, I've been hearing my mom complain about having to listen to so much Christmas music in December.  As far as I know, there are at least two radio stations that have switched to 'round-the-clock Christmas tunes, and those that I know of made the switch the Thanksgiving weekend.  It doesn't need to be pointed out how outrageously early this is, but since I just did, let me expand that thought.

These two stations began playing Christmas music twenty four hours per day on Thanksgiving day.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, these stations will have played Christmas music for twenty seven days straight, amounting to a grand total of 648 hours, or 38880 minutes, of continuous Christmas music on each channel (this also means that some 7% of all songs on these stations are Christmas songs).  I may be wrong, but I don't think that there is a single person who listens to enough Christmas music that these stations need to play this music so gratuitously.  I can't even think of someone who wants to start listing to Christmas music before Christmas week.  Even if there were some fanatic of these jingles who made this viable, it's still unnecessary.

It's worth pointing out to these stations that not everyone celebrates Christmas.  While some people incorporate Christmas tradition into their holiday season without the Christian overtones (I won't mention why these aren't necessary at all), many non-Christians don't have anything to do with the holiday.  The fact that radio stations begin playing one holiday's songs 24/7 a month in advance only alienates large portions of listeners - including listeners like my mom, who celebrates Christmas and has sworn these stations off entirely in protest.

While this might not be viewed as a serious issue, it represents a much larger issue across the entirety of American culture.  Many public services are so wiling to cater to a single group of individuals that they ignore all others, and this cannot be allowed to continue.

EDIT:  Since this post, I have been informed that certain stations have actually begun playing Christmas music following Halloween.  This consideration almost doubles the amount of time that the music is played.  The original numbers are bad enough, so I don't need to dwell on this development.

Hamlet's Motivation

The entirety of Shakespeare’s Hamlet focuses on Hamlet’s endeavors to find hope to continue living and avenge his father’s death.  This theme is established very quickly, and both his depression and his appointment for revenge are present by the end of the first act.  While he has motive and opportunity to act, he finds himself constantly unable to act.  He dwells on his own inactivity throughout the story, constantly comparing himself and his actions to those of others with far less to act for.  In act four, he is presented with the ultimate example of this, and he resolves himself to action.

Scene four of act four shows Hamlet and a Captain of the Norwegian army discussing the army’s battle plans.  Hamlet discovers that the Norwegian army, lead by Fortinbras, the Prince of Norway, plans to attack and take a small hill held by the Polish. Fortinbras plays a significant role as the head of the army, as his ultimate goal is to seek revenge for the death of his own father.  Hamlet recognizes the similarity between himself and Fortinbras, as well as the marked difference in their efforts to exact revenge.  Fortinbras is willing to send an army to get what he wants, but Hamlet is not even able to directly avenge his father by killing his uncle.  

Hamlet also compares himself to the Norwegian army.  The army has been sent to take an extremely insignificant piece of land and will lose “twenty thousand men” in the process.  This idea of futile passion has been presented before, notably in the players’ actions, but Hamlet understands that it is much more serious here.  He is ashamed that he cannot act for himself and his father when thousands of men are willing to fight die for a purpose that means nothing to them.

Hamlet closes the scene by saying, “O, from this time forth, / my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth.”  This scene’s closing represents the culmination of all of the events that Hamlet has seen thus far in the play.  He has argued with himself over whether or not he should act at all and struggled to find motivation to carry out his purpose.  As act four comes to a close, Hamlet is now fully prepared to avenge his father.

Frankenstein: Challenging My Expectations

I don't think that there is a single horror icon more widely recognized or more often re-imagined than Frankenstein's monster.  He's presented many ways in popular culture, but he is most often portrayed as a sickly creature barely held together by the efforts of Doctor Frankenstein.  The creature is even shown with other obvious imperfections, such as bolts sticking out of skin, or deep seams in his skin where patches weave over and around one another to cover his muscle.  Needless to say, the expectation of being presented with a monster - though preemptively set aside - was not realized.  The creature of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein is far different from what most would imagine.

The irony doesn't escape me that Frankenstein's own expectations went unrealized when he created the creature.  While the audience might expect the creature to be violent, however, Frankenstein expects to be awestruck by the creature's beauty.  The audience instead finds a creature more good-natured than most of the people confronting him.  Frankenstein, however, becomes appalled by the very existence of what he has created, however amiable the creature attempts to be to him.  The audience is in a position where they must ask Frankenstein why he does what he does, and the very nature of the creature forces the audience to wonder why he is so completely ostracized from society.

Frankenstein created the creature because he wanted to prove that he could create life, and he endeavored for years to create something beautiful.  Only when he finished it did he fully weigh the consequences of his decision.  Rather than observing beauty in the creature, Frankenstein observed only his own foolishness and felt that the creature held as much beauty as one would expect from dead flesh.

As the audience, we are more likely to view the creature with some form of sympathy and understanding than Frankenstein.  This is primarily due to our previous expectations; we expected a monster, and we were shown a misunderstood creature trying to find his purpose.  Frankenstein expected to create beauty, but he ultimately viewed his creation as disgusting and worthless, especially considering some of the creature's actions.  These differing points show that all of our experiences are ultimately shaped by what we expected from them.

Milton's Paradise

Milton's Paradise Lost is a grand piece of work.  In fact, the epic, along with the mythology surrounding it, is quite likely one of my favorite subjects in literature.  This is partly due to the fact that I, unlike most, view the entire mythology - that is, religious and specifically christian texts - to be fictitious.  The stories of Dante and the fall of Satan are fantastic and grandiose, as they are deeply ingrained into our primarily christian culture.  These pieces are phenomenal, and even for those who do not believe in christian ideology, their immense impact is not significantly diminished.

My enjoyment of these stories might shock some people, who know my thoughts on religion, but they possess a sense of awe and spectacle that simply isn't present in most of the literature that I've read.  The reason for this is obvious; the stories were written from the perspective of someone who literally believed the subject matter and intended to perpetuate it.  One would hardly expect a story explaining the origin of the universe to be boring.  Part of my enjoyment also comes from the analysis of these stories, and previous performance of such analysis (among other things) is why I no longer subscribe to christian faith.  The flaws present in God's character are great subjects for philosophic discussion, and they should be discussed thoroughly.

Honestly, though, I don't understand why people believe in these things.  I actually believed in them myself, for a time, though I don't know how much I actually believed.  When I was younger, I never took the time to think about what it was that I believed in.  Through the years, I actually started wondering what I thought about religion, and  I stopped believing in god and religion altogether.  I then began viewing all religious stories such as these through a different lens, as it were.  I no longer bothered to believe in them, but this made be better at analyzing them.  It's much easier to see the flaws in a piece of work when one doesn't need to incorporate it into his or her ideology.

I have digressed, but my point remains obvious; Paradise Lost and stories like it are tremendously important for their literary, rather than their religious, content.  Though I do not believe in them or even fully understand why others do, I fully recognize their importance.

Scholarship Essay

My plans for further education were not always as ambitious as they are now. In fact, there were times when I didn't plan to attend a college at all. Since I made the decision that I wanted to earn a bachelor's, masters, and doctorate degree in physics, my work in high school has changed accordingly. I am now very well prepared to excel at university.

Most obviously, my core classes have reflected my intent to pursue a degree in science. I have several credits more than I need in both science and math and I earned some of these credits in supplemental courses. I have taken several AP courses in these areas, including AP Calculus, Physics and Biology. Considering all of these  challenges, my course work has prepared me very well for further education.

 My preparation for college extends beyond class choice, however. I am a National Merit semifinalist as a result of my performance on the PSAT. At certain universities, I might be eligible for scholarships of hundreds of thousands of dollars. I will also be eligible for other scholarships, such as the millennium scholarship. Any scholarships that I receive in addition to merit based scholarships will only help me to pay for more of my education. If I can earn enough, I might be able to pay for the first four to six years of college without incurring any debt. This would help me enormously when I graduate and begin looking for a research position in physics.

All scholarships that I receive will be extremely helpful. I'm sure that most could say the same, but I'm demonstrably capable of achieving the goals that I set for myself. If I am able to study physics in college, I guarantee that I will secure a research position for myself.